Sorry...I lied.
I'm not good.
I'm not fine.
I'm lonely.
I'm lonelier than I can ever remember being.
I've spouted off ideals of honesty and authenticity in relationships, but in reality I'm too frightened to follow through.
Afraid of what you'll think of me,
Afraid of being judged and looked down upon.
But also
Afraid of being needy.
Afraid of being high maintenance - too high maintenance for anyone to handle.
I'm afraid of sucking the life out of the few friends that I do have because I can only take and I have nothing to give in return.
But most of all
I'm afraid you'll try to make me feel better.
I'm afraid of hearing the cliche.
I don't want your pity,
I just need your sympathy.
I just want to know that someone cares.
God said:
"It is not good for the man to be alone."
posted by Christy @ 9:23 PM
9 comments
9 Comments:
Yet, my dearest friend, you are not alone. You are loved. You must cling to Christ right now, for nothing any of us could ever say will make any of those feelings go away. I love you, my sister. Remember, this trial is just that, a trial. It will pass. Don't tell God how big the mountain is, tell the mountain how big YOUR God is!
i love you and i care. i'll be praying for you.
I miss you. Good to see you for a second last night. Love you--
Its not wrong for a person to want to be loved (proverbs 19:22). Your words sound like they came right out of my own head. I have wanted God to just hurry up and make things better, but he hasn't. After the initial frustration/depression I saw that God was allowing me to see what a shaky foundation I had and what I was looking to for my sense of self worth.
Suffice to say its a hard process and I'm not yet through it, but I know that God wants to give me a greater portion of His uncompromised holy self. Just like Job our suffering is God ordained and as such we can take hope that he will see us through this (1 Peter 5:6-7).
Also, for what its worth... I respect you as a godly woman (faults and all) and I will be praying for you that God may be your rock, your fortress, and your deliverer.
Occasionally, God leads me into what I like to call solitary confinement and only He can lead me out. I love the word pictures and promises in Psalm 23:
"The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside quiet waters. He restores my soul; He guides me in the paths of righteousness For His name's sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; You have anointed my head with oil; My cup overflows. Surely goodness and lovingkindness will follow me all the days of my life, And I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever."
One of my favorite word pictures is "Even though I walk thru the valley of the shadow of death ... You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies".
It seems to me that loneliness is like the shadow of death in that the feelings are deep and I am alone there. No one else understands those exact feelings with me except for my Shepherd. Then comes the table prepared for me in the presence of my enemies - I love this part! I can imagine hunting deep in the valley for MY table while being pursued by my enemies, finding it and stopping to feast on what God has prepared just for me - no one else can share in that but my Savior and me. A deeply intimate time while my enemies are pacing around unable to touch me.
Take His hand, stare your loneliness in the face with Him, let Him lead you during the hunt for YOUR table. I am convinced He has something deeply intimate prepared just for the two of you. He's that kind of Lover.
Another one of my favorite solitary confinement passages is Hosea 2:14-23
"Therefore, behold, I will allure her, Bring her into the wilderness And speak kindly to her. "Then I will give her her vineyards from there, And the valley of Achor as a door of hope. And she will sing there as in the days of her youth, As in the day when she came up from the land of Egypt. "It will come about in that day," declares the LORD, "That you will call Me Ishi. And will no longer call Me Baali. "For I will remove the names of the Baals from her mouth, So that they will be mentioned by their names no more. "In that day I will also make a covenant for them With the beasts of the field, The birds of the sky And the creeping things of the ground. And I will abolish the bow, the sword and war from the land, And will make them lie down in safety. "I will betroth you to Me forever; Yes, I will betroth you to Me in righteousness and in justice, In lovingkindness and in compassion, And I will betroth you to Me in faithfulness. Then you will know the LORD. "It will come about in that day that I will respond," declares the LORD. "I will respond to the heavens, and they will respond to the earth, And the earth will respond to the grain, to the new wine and to the oil, And they will respond to Jezreel. "I will sow her for Myself in the land. I will also have compassion on her who had not obtained compassion, And I will say to those who were not My people, 'You are My people!' And they will say, 'You are my God!'"
Love you!!!
-wendy sue
Better late than never. Thank you for sharing your feelings and mine dear sister. I agree with Wendy that sometimes God can use times of lonliness to draw us into intimacy with Him. I'm not saying that I like it. It's so much harder to feel loved by God than to feel loved by a crowd of friends around us. And, I feel like I'm facing doubts like I've never before faced in my Christian life. Here's an interesting thought. Can any of us really provide anything to our friends? I finally opened up to a group of girls and was amazed to find how encouraged they were to hear my struggles. That was God! Not me. I have nothing to offer you, but sometimes it's nice to have someone cover your back when you're running around that dark valley. Let me know how I can be there for you practically, not just in sympathy.
Love,
Wendy Maria
a couple of thoughts:
-not everything wrong in your life is your fault
-I dont think God wants us to be lonely or miserable. I understand sometimes He uses that to draw us to Him, but I dont think He wishes for us to be lonely.
-I think sometimes we go through hard and painful circumstances and assume that God is taking us through a trial, when in fact, we are just in a bad situation/environment that God never intended for us to be in. I guess what im saying is before you start reacting to your loneliness as if its a trial, make sure its a trial and not just a bad situation that God is in fact wanting to lead you out of, instead of into.
I'm praying for you Wendy, and I will never be "too busy" for you. -Tim B.
Yeah, I'm not sure what Tim is talking about either. I think he meant to say "Christy".
;) Wendy
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