sitting, wondering, waiting...

as i sit in the dark i think back to so many other nights doing the same thing,
sitting, wondering, waiting...
what for i am not entirely sure, yet still i sit.
i think back to other nights spent doing the same.
nights so similar yet so completely different from now it is sometimes hard to believe they happened. nights spent feeling so completely lost and alone, with no one who really cared about me. longing for someone to show that they cared, just to be able to see that someone loved me, anyone, yet never allowing myself to feel loved by God. looking back i was trying so hard to fit in but it just made me want to hate myself, yet i couldn’t ever completely do that. God wouldn’t let me, he was tugging at my heart all along trying to get through to me that i was and am loved, more then i could ever possibly realize.

it seems very strange to me to think that i am half-way done with college. it seems like such a short time ago i was moving in for the first time. so many things have changed, i’ve changed… a lot. it is sometimes hard to look back and see all of the ways i have changed, they all seem so gradual to me. it is going to be exciting to see what God does this year, it is also going to be challenging and a bit scary. i’m definitely in a situation that i have never been in before and it is hard sometimes to not let myself get intimidated.
there’s the possibility of a lot of opportunities here, i hope i’m able to rise up and meet the challenge. it is going to require completely relying on God because i definitely can’t do it myself.

on a musical note…:)oh i’m a dork… i am really enjoying citizen cope right now, the clarence greenwood recordings, good stuff, he also has cool hair.

...when there's nothing to say...

I just returned to Ames after attending the funeral a good friend's father. My friend was really close was really close to her Dad, so I know his death was really hard for her.

The awkwardness of really wanting to be there for her, yet not having a clue what to do or say consumed me. I kept thinking of "Moonlight Mile" and worrying that my friend's family was feeling the way Jo felt. I worried that I was making things harder for them and not being understanding. This is the first time a friend of mine has lost someone close to them, and I really don't have a clue how to respond. I want to have the perfect words and the perfect actions to show her that I really care and empathize with her (as much as is possible). But there's the rub. I don't really know how she's feeling. I can imagine, but I'll never truly know what she's feeling. So I don't have a clue what to say and I'm worried that all I can think of to say are the cliche phrases she has been hearing from everyone - all the people who knew her dad and feel obligated to say something even though they don't even know her.

Grief must run it's course. There's no way of speeding it up - it's just one of those things that just takes time.

God Bless you, Rebecca. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

creepy?...no

i've decided that my favorite place on campus is laying in the middle of the cemetery at night looking at the stars with a friend. it is a lot of fun. i know some people think it is a bit odd and creepy, but i like it. it is very relaxing and peaceful. so me and christy hung out in the cemetery on sat night and it was a lot of fun. talking about life, God, and old friends. one of the coolest parts was i called a good friend that i haven't seen much of since our freshman year and she asked me to eat with her!! it was very exciting because i was kinda feeling that any efforts made towards her were for nothing. so yes God is awesome and cemeteries are a fun place to be.